I have been brewing this post for quite awhile and, frankly, I’ve been avoiding it. I want to say from the get-go that this will probably not be the only post on this topic because there is so much to explore. I also want to tell you that I am not an expert on eating disorders or body dysmorphia, but I am experienced. I’m experienced because I live with a skewed body image every day. I’m experienced because I have used food all my life as a substance to stuff down my feelings, desires and self-expression.
I think any form of creative expression is an act of exposure. As an actress this exposure is amplified because my body is my instrument. As a writer this exposure is amplified because my honesty is my instrument. I abuse food by eating too much of it. Others abuse food by eating too little or none. And no matter which end of the spectrum we are on, we are all abusing ourselves. Food helps me numb and dull my feelings when I am anxious or angry. Then, after I have eaten enough (there’s never enough), I can distract myself from my true desires by being angry at myself for eating too much. Then I can spend all my creative energy looking for the perfect diet and exercise program. Then I can set myself up to fail, binge again, get angrier, occupy all my time thinking about what and how much to eat and completely lose track of the fact that I am a creative woman who longs to express herself and set herself free. And another year passes. And another. And this preoccupation with food and my body has literally eaten away my life and my dreams. Yes, it sounds dramatic. But anyone who has similar experiences will tell you that this is no exaggeration.
I have known for a long time now that this post was coming, but I have been avoiding it like a madwoman. Yet – in spite of my best avoidance tactics (eating being the primary one) – this week I came face to face with this issue in a big way.
Some of you may know I’ve been acting in a film called Venganza Azteca. I play a scientist named Dr. Ruth Stennis.
Dr. Stennis gets herself involved with an investigation about stolen Aztec artifacts. As it turns out the artifacts were stolen by a fraternity as a homecoming prank. Unbeknownst to the thieving frat boys one of the artifacts reanimates the mummified head of an Aztec Chief who goes on a mind control rampage in his efforts to defeat Mil Mascaras, our hero! During the course of the investigation Dr. Stennis and Mil Mascaras wander into the fraternity where Dr. Stennis is promptly kidnapped by the mummy, dressed in skimpy Aztec Princess dress and tied up so the Aztec Chief can make her his bride and breed little Aztec Scientist babies who will take over the world. Of course!
When the director offered me the role, he told me that Dr. Stennis would have to wear a skimpy dress in this scene and he asked me if I would be okay with that. I thought, “Sure! No problema! How bad can it be?” We’ve been filming for about a month and all along I’ve known the moment would come when I would have to put on the skimpy dress and stand in front of the camera, and the camera crew, and eventually an audience. So what do I do? I start eating cheese burgers and pizza rolls and nachos as often as possible. Why? Because I am self-conscious about my body and this self-consciousness kicks my self-protection instincts into high gear which say to me, “The bigger I am, the safer I am.”
It’s been this way all my life. Whenever I am challenged I automatically begin to add an extra layer of fat to my arsenal. Whenever I have something important to say or do that makes me feel vulnerable I will try to stuff it down by eating as much salt and cheese and french onion dip as I can.
I think it is interesting that Mil Mascaras, our hero, wears a mask throughout the entire film. Actually he wears a mask any time he is in public. None of us have seen his face. It’s interesting because making this film has helped me unmask one of the unspoken messages in my head. The one that keeps me rolling in french fries: “The bigger I am, the safer I am.” And this one, “If I am fat, no one will see me and I will be safe.” It’s about survival. Emotional survival.
Several years ago I thought I would write a book called I Love My Fat. Why? Because “fat” has been my personal scapegoat and savior for years. I’ve let “fat” speak for me. I’ve let “fat” get in my way and keep me from putting myself out there. I’ve made “fat” my primary focus because it’s easy. Everyone is doing it! The diet and exercise industry is thriving! I know that because I am one of the people who supports it. And I pay daily.
So now the door is open and I am exposing this survival instinct for what it is. It’s a well-intentioned but unneeded barrier between me and the world – between me and my creative voice. It’s a big deal that I make out of something that really doesn’t exist so I can avoid what does exist and what I want to bring into existence.
And I am reminded of something beautiful that Marianne Williamson wrote in A Return to Love:
Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, or gorgeous or talented or fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. You playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in every one of us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear of our own excellence, our presence automatically liberates others. And excellence becomes the standard of all our lives.
I am going to read this daily for awhile. And I am going to make an effort to be kind to myself when I get crazy and anxious and angry and hungry. I am beginning to understand that when I lose control of these demons, when my food addiction and my negative feelings about my body surface, it probably means that I have something important to say. It probably means that I am growing and challenging myself. It might mean that I am taking a risk and that I’m not aware of how frightened I am of risk taking. And I am hoping that, in those moments, I can remember that I am a creative and powerful human being (like you) who’s scared (maybe like you) – who needs to take notice of herself and her feelings and react with loving kindness instead of shopping for the next exercise video or reaching for the fridge door.
More to come.
Tags: Acting, Body Image, Creativity
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Thank you. What a beautiful and courageous post. This truly resonated with me. It is a subject very few are willing talk about, but many of us live with everyday.
Your acting seems to be taking you in all new directions and allowing your creativity to expand in unexpected ways.
I applaud you.
Hi Sandy!
Thank you. I feel your support and your applause is greatly appreciated. Unexpected is right! It’s amazing how much we can grow when we are engaged with doing what we love to do. It reflects light into every area of our lives.
This is a difficult and deeply personal subject for so many people. And I do think it is helpful to know that there are others out there who share some of the same feelings. We can grow together instead of feeling isolated by this issue.
Many thanks,
Kirsten
Brava! This deserves to be shared and I will do that. As a woman who has been enslaved to the “never enough food” way of doing emotional expression I feel your words deeply. As a coach I’ve had conversations with women about how the extra self, the one that we love to hate, the fat one, is both attention getting and a place and way to hide, to protect.
Yes it is dramatic but so is a life spent, literally as you say, eaten away by self loathing. It is a drama played out in so many women’s lives that it is heart breaking.
Keep writing, keep acting, keep loving yourself to a place of enjoying food and your heart’s expression apart from food. Your willingness to bare your thoughts is an exceptional gift to us all.
I look forward to reading more.
Gregory Anne,
Thank you so much for reading and for your encouragement. I hope this post will inspire others who have similar experiences to share and grow and create the change they want in their lives. It is a daily struggle and that means it is also a daily opportunity to learn again how to love yourself.
What I didn’t mention above is that this is doubly important to me as the mother of a 10 year old girl. I know she watches how I treat myself and feel about myself. I am her role model. I would love for her to experience peace about her body and enjoy a happy relationship with food.
BTW – midlifewithavengeance.com is awesome. I am so glad to be in contact with you and I’m looking forward to learning more about what you do.
All the best,
Kirsten
Kirsten,
I can really relate to your experiences. Overeating has been my compulsion of choice over the years as well. And I still consider myself to be recovering from the proneness to use food to stuff down and cover up my true feelings. The good news is that it’s possible to rewire the way you process your emotions, and that the first and most important step in recovery is awareness, which is what your article is about.
You wrote:
“I think any form of creative expression is an act of exposure…As a writer this exposure is amplified because my honesty is my instrument.”
It’s going to take me a few days to ponder this! It’s so true, and it makes me want to look back and see how writing may have helped with my own recovery.
I want to share a book reference, my favorite book on this topic. It’s called “When Food is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy,” by Geneen Roth. It’s so compassionate and powerful that I bought a copy just to keep on my shelf whenever I want to feel inspired by compassionate writing. It talks about the points you mentioned, of how fat is used to avoid intimacy, and how it’s no more complicated than that!
Thanks for being so honest in your own writing. I admire your courage to not only look within, but to share it with us so that we can learn with you.
Melissa,
Thank you for reminding me of the Geneen Roth book. I have owned that book for years, but I don’t think I have pulled it off my shelf in over a decade. It is definitely something I want to keep close at hand as I am walking this path.
I do believe that creative expression is an act of exposure and each artist exposes herself in multiple ways through different mediums. Sometimes, when we avoid or block our creativity what we are really doing is protecting ourselves from is this exposure. As an actress my body and my psyche are my instruments and thus exposed through the act of creating a character. This topic definitely deserves more consideration.
I want to say thank you to you too because your post, If you Are Polarized from Within, Someone Will Pull Your Strings, motivated me to look at my habitual thought patterns. I think one of the “aha” moments that inspired my writing was to examine where I am habitually spending my money on things that I hope will fix me: exercise videos and diet products. I buy essentially the same products over and over again hoping they will do the work for me and make me feel better. But, when I act with awareness I know that nothing I buy can fix me. I don’t really need to be fixed. I’m not broken, I’m just having feelings. What I do need is to wake up and care for myself by paying attention to what is really happening in the moment of compulsion.
Thanks for walking with me on this journey. ((
))
Although I am overweight, my ongoing health issues and the way I normally react to them by focusing on them too much is the way I related to your well-written and honest post.
I have recently found that the more I make myself get busy doing things which matter to my life (whether it be household chores,towards my goals,or life purpose,) the better I have been feeling, and the less sedentary I am.
It is on the focusing on what I do want, rather than on what I don’t (the health and weight issues) that is making a real difference. I am happier also. It does take effort- I still ache badly,get hungry,tire easily,etc.- but I am proud of my self-motivation that I am developing and the results I am seeing in just a short time.
I now look in the mirror and can say I love myself for who I am and accept myself just like I am. Most of us self-sabotage ourselves. It is just the way we do it that might be different. I am changing, and am learning to love change, which I resisted for so long.
Thank you for being so open about your own journey with weight issues. I believe it will help others in being honest with themselves too.
Beth,
You are so right on! The response is to focus on what we love and what we enjoy – to engage ourselves with what matters. Thank you so much for sharing here. I am finding the same thing to be true for me. The journey I am on with this blog has helped me look at so much more than my creativity. Because I am doing more of what I have always wanted to do, I am finding more freedom in other areas of my life – like my relationship with food and my relationship with my body.
Yes! This is awesome. I used to avoid the mirror or sneer at myself whenever I saw my reflection, but I am learning (day by day) to be kinder and more loving. I would never say to anyone else the horrible things I say to myself. I would never judge another person as harshly and as cruelly as I have judged myself. If I can love another, I can love myself. Some people have said that we can’t truly love another until we learn to love ourselves, but I think the process is more of a two way street than that. I think love can transform us from the inside-out and the outside-in.
I hope you will continue to share here. Getting the words out of our heads and onto the page helps so much. And it does help to know that we are not alone – so thanks for being here.
All the best to you,
Kirsten
what a beautiful and real post, kirsten. thank you for sharing your story. i could really relate.
Leah,
Thank you so much for stopping here and reading. Your site is so beautiful. I added it to my sidebar links. I need to get a Creative Every day badge now! I’m really glad you read this post – there is a lot to explore on this topic.
Best,
Kirsten
[...] much I am eating. I thought I’d share about this since I had so many postive reponses to the Body Image, Eating and Creativity post. My over-eating reponse seems to be triggered by a desire to keep something inside – to [...]