If it weren’t for the doing of it, I wouldn’t know what I wanted to do. Aha moment this morning!

I have a confession. I plunged into this blogging project and the acting classes without a lot of forethought. When I began, I had no idea what I wanted and truth be told – the dream is still unfolding. All I know right now is that I am building something of value. Something authentic and something new.

It’s like this – a new mother can read, hold her nieces and nephews, go to her birthing class, and join an expectant mother’s support group – but until she holds her baby, the baby that came from within, she has no idea what it means to be a parent. And the growing child will continue to teach her every day what it means to be a parent. I have a 10 year old and I learn new lessons daily!

I’m only just beginning to learn what this blog is about by doing blogging. And I’m only just learning about the business I want by opening the door. Some people learn from reading, others listening and others through action. I err on the side of action first, thought later. Not in all things, but definitely right here on this blog right now.

At the same time I have been brewing these ideas for a long time in vague and specific ways. And I reserve the right to revise at will. This post is the beginning of identifying my process and I am thinking this might be a good exercise for some of my friends out there too.

What are the steps in your process? Can you describe them or give them a voice?

Here’s my process:

Dissatisfaction
The course I am on is not “wrong”, but it has served it’s purpose. Something isn’t working. I have an internal compass and I’m picking up vibrations that tell me I’m off course. Maybe I’ve been off course for awhile. The course I am on is maybe not “wrong”, but it has served it’s purpose and if I go any further with it, it will become dangerous. The signs are there: anger and frustration, over-eating, numbing with computer and T.V. – a lack of passion for life. At my worst, I don’t want to get out of bed.

Vague Inklings

I have some general idea – maybe it is just a suspicion. Something needs to be said. Communicated. I don’t know what it is quite yet, but I’ll recognize it when I write it. Frantic journaling ensues. A voice emerges and a dialogue begins, a poem emerges or a purpose is born. Part of me thinks, “Crud! I really don’t want to have to deal with a new purpose in my life. Reinvention is hard. Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away.”

Back to Dissatisfaction. Rinse and repeat. Bouncing back and forth between Dissatisfaction and Vague Inklings could take moments or years.

More Vague Inklings

I think, “I’d like to be a business owner.” The desire for independence and freedom becomes clear. I’d like to connect with others in a big way. I wish I had something other people want. Maybe I do.

Inventory

I take inventory. I can act. I can write – not so confident about the writing but it’s a possibility. I love teaching. Love it. Love it. Love it. That’s the warmest and most excited I’ve felt in awhile.

Imagining

What would it be like if … I would love to have a big studio and do nothing, but write and teach. I would love to be sitting at my desk writing when my first student walks in the door for class and I can feel a big smile on my face because I am happy they are there. I see sunshine outside and some more people coming up the sidewalk. And I have something new to share with them and I’m looking forward to seeing what they do with it. (Note to self: studio has to have windows! Big windows!) I’m living the scene in my head and it feels really really good.

Doubt and Fear

My inner critic wants to make sure I know some things before I actually take any action here: “You’ll have to market this. You’ll have to sell yourself. You don’t have any money to start this. You’d better wait. Do you know what a business plan is? Students will drop out. You won’t like everyone you work with. What if they don’t like you? What if you don’t know enough? What if you forget how to talk or get sick or fall off a cliff – you’ll have to give everyone a refund and then you’ll be stuck at the bottom of the cliff broke and broken!”

Gathering

I start collecting things. Prowling bookstores and the internet. I spend some money on products and books. Some of them say the same thing, but I need to hear some messages multiple times. I surf compulsively. I prowl the bookstore more. I realize I might be wasting some time here. I talk to people who I suspect will be supportive. I avoid people who I suspect won’t be supportive. Some of the latter folks surprise me and I chalk this up as evidence that I am finding my path.

Jumping In

I say it out loud in public in front of people who will remember. Curiosity gets the better of me and I make a few calls about a space. I’m sure it will be way out of range, but all they can do is say no, right? (I hate the word ‘no’.) I call and they’re positive. There’s some risk involved, but I won’t have to sell body parts. Okay, maybe I’ll just go check it out and talk to them in person.

Or, in the case of starting this blog, I Google “blogging” on the internet and download WordPress having absolutely no clue what a server is. I know there are things I don’t know how to do, but if I try to learn it all before I begin, I will never begin.

Following Through

This is where I am now. I am still listening to the diatribe of my inner critic. I am learning every day. I’m goofing things up. And I still don’t know EXACTLY what this will look like. But it feels good – even though it isn’t always easy – I am excited and I feel happy and the sun is shining.

That’s it. That’s the process as I can identify it right now. There may be more. I would like to insert a few intermediary steps between Doubt and Fear and Jumping In. Maybe after Gathering some planning would be a good idea. And it isn’t a linear process. I’m suspicious that there might be some steps after the Jumping In and Following Through that I don’t know about yet. I’ll have to climb the ladder back up to that high board again and jump again and jump again.

Tags: Creativity