And suddenly – or not so suddenly, perhaps drudgingly – it’s 2012. I’ve read a lot of blog posts lately about planning for the new year, how to make resolutions stick, or how to avoid resolutionizing all together. Points of view on the good, bad and ugly of resolution making are all over the map.

Personally, I find it difficult to refrain from thoughts that sound something like: “This year I’m going to finally lose that extra weight. This year I’m going to get my business in high gear. This is the year I’m gonna make it all happen!”

Yet, in my heart I know these thoughts aren’t real.

Wait. Okay, the thoughts are real. I AM thinking them so they’re ‘real’.

But I also know these thoughts are fantasies. I would even go so far as to call them self-indulgent fabrications full of hooey. They are something I say to myself to make myself feel better about not being all that I said I wanted to be in 2011.

But, here’s the kicker. 2011 was great. I had a good time. No, all my dreams didn’t come true. Yes, I’m still 30 pounds overweight. I didn’t get that book written. AND – still – 2011 was a great year.

Life happened. Stuff got done. Challenges were met. Shows were directed. Losses were felt. Grieving occurred. Laughter was heard. Healing happened – my mother got 2 brand-spanking-new knees! In review, 2011 will be remembered as a fine time.

My point is my resolutions usually feel like another way for me to beat myself up and focus on all the things that didn’t happen last year – again - instead of, as they are intended to be felt, like hopeful plan-making. They seduce me into thinking that I am doing something positive for myself when in fact I’m focusing on what I don’t have, where I messed up and what I want to fix while, at the same time, setting myself up to fail. That’s a double negative.

Please hear this next sentence: This is the way MY brain works. You may be completely free and innocent of setting yourself up in this manner. I’m thrilled for you and I mean that.

But, my inner critic, my inner mean girl, my gremlin is a seductive side-winder. She can twirl and twist my good intentions backwards and inside out. And, she is such a part of me, that I know better than to engage her in hand-to-hand combat. Instead it’s better for me to simply walk away.

So this is me walking away from resolution making. My plan for 2012 is to let myself completely off the hook.

I realize this will require some effort on my part. I’m not programmed this way. There is no ZEN in Kirsten. I’m full of plans and ambition. I can be competitive and needy and downright bitchy. My brain is a hamster-wheel of want.

But, this is me letting go.

Instead of thinking about what’s ‘on my plate’, I am thinking, instead, about what’s ‘on stage’.

What’s on stage now? I’m writing this. It’s my declaration of letting go. I, Kirsten Olson Malinee, hereby declare that I will not attempt to MAKE anything happen in 2012. I will not push boulders up mountains. I will not engage in battle with sneaky side-winders – a.k.a. inner critics and gremlins. I will not re-join Weight Watchers. I may or may not finally (if ever) get that business plan written. I am letting go. I am setting myself free.

Do you hear alarm bells ringing? I do. That’s my inner critic sounding off, “What the h-e-double-hockey-sticks are you talking about!?!”

My response, “I don’t know yet.”

I have NO IDEA what ‘letting go’ looks or feels like. I’ve been at this game of mental combat for so long, I’m not sure  what civvy life is.

For now, I’m just going to ask this question: What’s on stage?

The stage is where the action happens in the here and now. The stage is where I connect with the nitty-gritty of my humanity. If I try to fake it on stage, it will be glaringly obvious so – no fake tears or laughter. On stage I’ll have honesty, empathy, character, dialogue, conflict (internal and external – bring it!), action. Heroes, heroines, villians and everyman-woman. All those things one moment at a time.

I’m not talking about performy smarmy acty performances, over-exerted drama or faking it till you make it theatrics. Honesty, truth and action. Humanity. That’s my stage.

So…

What’s on stage now? I’m gearing up to teach an acting class. I’m not MAKING that happen. It is happening and I will be there when the time comes. Thinking, musing and dreaming about teaching fills me with energy and possibility. That’s a GO feeling.

What’s NOT on stage? Directing. Thinking about directing fills me with a ‘meh’ draggy dreadful feeling. That’s a NO GO feeling. Please understand my feelings about directing reflect in no way on past directing experiences. I love the memories and all the actors, casts, and crews I’ve worked with. But, for now, I’m just not feeling it. No go.

What’s on stage? Art making. Playing with paint and paper and glue. Exploring Photoshop Elements. Learning. Diving in. I’ve tumbled head-first into this rabbit hole and I’m not making plans for escape any time soon. If the Queen of Hearts (a.k.a. inner critic) shows up and tries to boss me around, I’m gonna bop her on the head and paint the roses whatever d-a-m-n color I desire.

What’s on stage? I’m playing with a visioning process. I know this is dangerously close to plan-making so I’m treading lightly here. Visioning will be based solely on what feels good. It will come from my heart center – not my head – not comparisons – not shoulds or ought tos. This is visioning from the heart.

Casting call: To help me hold this vision tenderly and gently I will engage in a dialogue with my inner self-coach as opposed to my inner critic.

Already there’s conflict on the stage! Inner critic vs. inner self-coach. And…action!

And, I’m making a promise to myself, that I will not play or tolerate mind tricks nor will I plot grand schemes to MAKE my vision happen. Remember, there will be no pushing of boulders up the sides of mountains! My vision will unfold as it will when it feels good and right to me and only in the present tense (not future, not past). Me, my vision, and I will play on stage in the here and now of my present reality.

What does that mean!?!

I have no idea. This is just the prologue. Act I is still in the dressing room applying her lipstick and rouge.

So – What’s on stage for you?

Tags: Inner Critic