Catharsis is an incredible thing. It has the power to burn through pain and reveal the soul.

I’ve made a shift. A shift is like a decision except it isn’t only an intellectual choice. It’s also emotional and paradigm changing.

Here it is:

I’m a Body Love Activist. This work/transformation is so huge for me, that I will have to share it. And in sharing it, I will end up climbing on soap-boxes, ranting on occasion, and constantly revisiting the message so I might as well sign on to be an activist. I’m late to this party. There are incredible women out there who have been blazing this trail for a while. (Yes. They’re all women. Isn’t that curious?)

I’d like to share some websites and resources I discovered online on Friday when I was desperately searching for someone who could help me through the pain. Not someone who could “fix” me – someone who understood and could help me move out of the shame and self-loathing.

The first, Golda Poretsky, HHC of Body Love Wellness. I downloaded her ebook, Stop Dieting Now, and purchased her Body Love Meditations. I did the Gratitude Meditation this morning and it was delicious. I also read through most of her blog and scheduled myself for a free Body Love Breakthrough Session with her for Monday, May 14. I’ll give you an update on that after Monday. I understood I wasn’t alone. I mean I knew I wasn’t alone when I was in the midst of my meltdown, but after reading and learning about Golda’s work I understood I wasn’t alone.

Next I found Linda Bacon’s work, Health at Every Size. I found her work cited all over the inter-webs. And these principles of HAES quoted frequently:

Of the above, this is my favorite and the one I find to be most moving:

“Accepting and respecting the natural diversity of body sizes and shapes.”

That’s the activism bit. Body-size prejudice is destructive. It’s insidious. It cuts across all races. It’s reinforced by a big bucks diet industry and the entertainment industry. It’s damaging. It causes pain and illness and we need to stop it.

The idea of focusing on health for the sake of health is revolutionary. In support of that, here are my health facts at present:

The last time I weighed myself the scale (at home) read: 164.4
I’m not going to get on the scale anymore. Yesterday I bought pretty new clothes that feel good on my body and most of them were Size 14, Large, or Extra-Large. I bought things that show off my curves. Because my curves are hot. I only bought clothes that turned me on. I didn’t buy anything because it hid my hips or belly. I only bought clothes that I truly and honestly thought were pretty.

My last blood pressure reading was:  - well, crud, I usually carry a little card in my wallet with my blood pressure readings and I can’t find it. I’ll update this in the comments when I do find it. It’s goof. Very healthy.

My cholesterol readings are: – same as above.

Also, last month I had a heart stress test not on the advice of my doc. I referred myself. I did 9 minutes on the treadmill and generally kicked ass on that. The test results were great according to the doc and he only needs to see me if I want to see him. The nurse who pulled me off the treadmill said, “We don’t get many 9-minute tests in here.”

So – I’m healthy and that’s what matters.

Back to Body Love and more links.

I’ve been getting on the yoga mat regularly – not daily, but very close to daily –  for over two months now since I found Kundalini Yoga. I’ve always loved yoga and I’ve been a dabbler for years. But I came across a book by Maya Fienes and her video Kundalini Yoga to Detox and Destress and I felt like I found my thing. For some reason, Kundalini Yoga for all its weirdness – there’s chanting involved, clicked for me. This yoga burns some mad karma fast. In fact, I blame yoga for the catharsis that brought me here today. The loathing and self-hatred that was pulled up and out of my body, mind and heart on Friday was so intense and so raw, it was absolutely unavoidable. I think it had the hand-print of divinity on it. I’ve never experienced the intensity of emotion that I experienced last week unless it was for a death or a catastrophe. I mean last week was an emotional event on a scale that is usually reserved for the loss of a loved one or as a reaction to an act of violence.

I got on the yoga mat twice this weekend and both times experienced the pure joy and freedom of moving and breathing and being in my body for the bliss of it without all this:

“I hope this is aerobic enough to make me drop 30 pounds. When will I start seeing changes in my body? Why isn’t this working yet? Why am I still fat? I’ve been exercising almost every day and nothing has changed! Maybe this isn’t the right kind of exercise. But I love doing this! But it isn’t making me skinnier. Crap! I’m wasting my time. What’s wrong with me!?!”

What a relief! For the first time, I mean the first time in my life, I just enjoyed moving and stretching and breathing. It was an amazing sensation.

I’ve also been practicing via DVD with Ana Brett and Ravi Singh. Their Yoga Bliss Hips dvd is pure salvation.

Now I need to tell you, this weekend wasn’t revelation after revelation. I’ve been doing a lot of grieving. A lot of grieving. Grieving for lost loved ones. My Great Aunt, A.J., died two weeks ago at 92. I’m very grateful that I got to spend a week with her just before she passed. She was a shining light in my life. I feel her presence every day and I miss her. I hope she and my Grandmother, Nanny, are spending time together again and with their sister, Hester, and their brothers. That generation isn’t with us any more.  They’re missed in a big way.

Grieving for my body. Grieving for the familiarity of self-loathing. Life feels really different after you lose someone you love. And life feels so different when you lose your familiar and ironically comforting self-hatred.

I have more links to share and I’ll share them in another post because this is getting long-winded. If you have any sites to recommend, please share them! Only one rule: NO diet sites, please. Thank you for understanding my need to make that request.

One last thing – this is a process. I’m not done with this journey by any means. In fact, its only just begun. I found a lovely quote by Martha Graham that I want to share with you. I found it to be very encouraging and it relates in every way to everything The Performance Lab is about. As a matter of fact this quote will go into my personal and professional mission statement.

I’ll leave you with that. Blessings to you! And thanks for being a part of this journey with me,
K.

And the facade came crashing down this morning. And, I’ve been crying a lot.

You may be thinking. “Whoa, there Kirsten. This sounds personal. What does this have to do with performance and shining and sharing your creativity with the world? Get back on track kiddo and leave me out of this.”

My answer: This has everything to do with shining and sharing my creativity with the world. It has everything to do with what holds me back from doing that in the way I want to do it. And I decided to share it here because I’m guessing that there are other performers and creatives out there who may find themselves in the same place at times. Maybe not on this particular topic: body drama. But, whatever their personal shame trip is: age, money, addiction, sexuality, kink, body size/shape, ethnicity, pick any label you can fling at yourself, it’s holding them back from shining in the way they want to shine. So I hope this post will serve a purpose for someone out there who may have felt as crappy as I felt this morning about something that keeps them from being who they want to be.

Let’s get on with it.

My body drama holds me back in the following ways:

I’m sure there’s more, but these are the biggies.

What happened to bring on this crash? A few things. Summer is coming – which means I can’t wear my winter-wear anymore and my winter-wear is more truthfully body camoflauge that I wear to hide my girth and my curves. My clothes aren’t fitting comfortably. I saw my reflection in a store window last night  - without my long square black “camo” jacket on – and I didn’t like what I saw. I’m facing the fact that I haven’t purchased any new clothes (other than 2 or three shirts) in the last year and a half and I need to go shopping. The thought of shopping for clothes terrifies me. Because I hate my body. I judge my body. I blame my body. I loathe the way I look. And shopping for clothes brings all this to the surface. And, a woman presented at a meeting I attended this week. She’s a round and curvy woman and she was dressed up hot – in a dress that showed off her body. She was all accessorized and professional and beautiful looking and I just stared and thought, “Why can’t I dress like that?” I can, of course. But, I’m too afraid. Too ashamed.

Now, let me make this absolutely clear, I do NOT judge anyone else in the same way. This is a dialogue of hate that lives in my head and is aimed only at me. I think my friends and family are beautiful – all shapes and sizes and fashion choices and hairstyles – because, well, I’ll say it – I love them.

I don’t love me. I reserve my bile for me.

This is a painful way to live. And it has been this way for as long as I can remember. I have lived with this battle every day of my life for as long as I can remember – from elementary school on no matter how much I weighed no matter how I looked. And, I’ve been mostly successful at hiding it from other people for most of my life, but I’m exhausted. And, I’ve been successful as a person and a performer – it doesn’t matter what the circumstances of my life are, this monster is always there.

I just want peace. No. That’s not true. I also want joy. JOY, you hear me! JOY! Shiny beautiful sparkling joy.

And, I have no idea how to get there. But, there has to be a way. I also think, in spite of the pain, this is an important part of my journey in this lifetime. For some reason, here I am, with this monster in my head. And this journey that I am forced to take, is important in some way and is closely knit with my creative journey.

Losing weight will not fix it. Again, I’ve lived with this for as long as I can remember no matter how much I weighed no matter what I was wearing or what I looked like. This is NOT a weight loss journey. It’s a personal peace journey. In fact, I think engaging in any kind of weight loss discussion will actually prove to be the anti-journey. It’s running around in circles while on fire hoping more flames will put the fire out.

Outing myself here is one step. I’m not outing myself to beg for encouragement. I’m outing myself because I’m pretty sure, I’m not the only one who lives like this. Also, because I don’t want to hold onto this secret anymore. It’s a burden. It’s heavy. Really really really heavy. And, I’m outing myself, because I think creativity will play a big role in how this whole journey thing will go down.

So that’s it…for today.

Body Drama will be a regular feature here. I’ll tag them under Body Image. If that’s not your thing, just skip these posts. I’ll be writing about lots of shiny things too. I love shiny uplifting posts. Body Drama posts won’t cancel those out. I promise.

With love,
K.

What I want to share today is a run-down of projects – new, ongoing and in development. I’ve done some stewing and brewing and conjuring on what it is I do, who I do it with, and why it matters. I’m a firm believer in revising at will and it seems this blog, The Performance Lab, and I are engaged in constant revision and reinvention. For me, that’s just the way life works. If I’m not growing (and that often means changing), then I’m not living. And, because The Performance Lab is my brainstorm baby and favorite play toy, it too is constantly evolving.

First Evolution

Acting classes – we just wrapped up the 2012 Winter Session. I miss the students. I can’t say I miss having to change out of my pajamas before 9:00 AM on a Saturday morning. (I don’t think any of my students miss that either.) But I miss the work and the people. The timing of classes is an issue. The class needs to be accessible to the students it serves – mostly enthusiastic actors who are constantly engaged in the local Columbia theatres. And, I’m over-joyed to say that the Columbia theatre scene is lively and busy and constantly growing. So here’s the deal – we’re kind of stuck with Saturdays and Sundays because most theatre groups rehearse in the evenings because most of the actors and directors and designers and set builders are gainfully and fully employed members of our community. There’s nothing un-awesome about the passionate creative community we have here. We’re engaged and plugged-in to the arts in a big way. So Saturdays and Sundays.

Classes for the 2012 Fall Session will be on Sundays – don’t know what time or where yet. We may or may not have a 2012 Summer Session – let me know if you’re interested.

Some students have said once a week is not enough. They want more. I agree. It isn’t enough. We lose traction by taking a week off between each class. Here are some thoughts:

Second Evolution

Creativity Coaching – I’ve decided that isn’t who I am. The work I am truly good at and the way I can be of best service to clients is much more specific than that. There isn’t a word for it so I’m going to make one up. I’m a Production Coach. I will offer Production Coaching for performers who are ready to produce themselves. This work will include and be informed by the Creativity Coaching training I’ve done and put those theatre degrees to work. Why? Because I passionately believe that the world needs to see your work.

Performers spend a lot of time and effort (maybe 80% or more of their effort) looking for work and auditioning. That’s fine and grand and fun, but what you are basically doing is waiting for someone to like what you do enough to give you permission to do what you do. Let’s consider permission hereby granted by you to you and let me help you do what you love to do without waiting for anyone else’s permission.

No matter where you are on the road to producing yourself:

You could be one person working on a one-person show. You could be a group of people wanting to launch a performance company. You could be one person who wants to create a performance with a group of performers. The idea is to get your work on the stage with support, with accountability, with a plan, with strategy and with a focus on you as the unique performer you are. It’s one of those you’re the only one like you and only you can do you dealios.

I thought about calling myself a Performance Audacity Coach. Maybe that will be my a.k.a. title.

Third Evolution

Online classes – I’ve developed a group class/workshop called, as of now, the Creative Action Matrix. Click on the title or the link in the header for more info. It’s a 12 week group coaching and group support teleclass designed to help creatives take consistent action on their goals and develop habits to care for and nurture their inner artist. I think this will turn into something fun.

Workshops – It’s time to offer the Creative Action Workshops again. Creative Action Workshops are in-person experiential workshops using facilitated improvisation techniques to empower you as an artist. These are great workshops for any kind of creative artist. You don’t have to be a performer. This is some powerful stuff I learned when I was training at the Psychodrama Training Institute in New York. We’ve done some of it in acting class – the hallway exercise – and my students dig it big time. It’s time for more.

So there it is.

The Performance Lab update.

I’ll be ramping up the services section on the website to include all the goodies. In the meantime, I would love to hear your thoughts and comments – especially on the acting classes (Please, tell me what you want!). What I want is to make The Performance Lab work for you. Will these services and this structure serve you? Because that’s the focus here. It’s about you getting to do more of what you love because – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – we need to see you shine. You are an artist, a point of light. Artists and performers help us navigate this crazy reality we live in and I passionately believe the world needs to see your work.

Please be in touch.

The idea of life balance becomes like a thing, a prize, that I will get if I do things right. It comes with purchasing the right planner or the right book and doing the right things in the right order at the right time.

We crave and cry out for life balance when we’ve gone above and beyond into over-commitment, when we are completely exhausted, when we feel criticized for letting things slip between the cracks, when we become critical of our own efforts and seem to lack proof that we’ve done enough, and when we don’t want to do the next thing on the ‘To Do’ list.

For me, the concept of life balance conjures up an image of a circus clown balancing on a ball while juggling too many responsibilities, activities, and commitments. I’m not a juggler. And my life is not a bunch of activities flying through the air hoping to avoid collision.

We are not a series of appointments strung together with drive-time in between.

And we can’t divide ourselves up among our relationships. We don’t want the stress of feeling like we are stealing time from someone or something more valuable and we don’t want to miss out on the next opportunity or adventure. Choices are difficult. It takes practice (at least for me) to look someone in the eye and say, “No.”

But this longing for life balance isn’t just about choices and saying ‘no’ more often. In fact, I think we have to remove the concepts of linear time and time management from this discussion all together. Because this isn’t about being more efficient or more focused or more committed.

It’s about being present as a whole person wherever we are and whatever we happen to be doing.

Stress, longing, and frustration take center stage when we aren’t paying attention to the person behind the doing.

I am one person. I am me. There isn’t another me to balance me with.You are always you all the time.You cannot balance yourself with yourself. We can only BE ourselves. And we have no choice other than to be ourselves all the time. We are whole.

I am going to propose that the longing for life balance is more truthfully a longing for attention from ourselves. It’s a longing for peace. It isn’t about personal management it’s about personhood. I think the desire for life balance is actually a longing for connection with who we are right now in this moment – no matter what we happen to be doing.

It’s like this, life comes in waves and we ARE the ocean.

“I have a poet friend who wrote this yesterday — and I thought you would enjoy it. It would make a nice short monologue, I think.”

I read it and it was lovely. I told her so and she posted a link to Amy Turn Sharp’s website where she is writing and posting a poem a day for a year.

(BTW – #116 and #115 – yesterday and the day before yesterday – are hot, hot, hot.)

Amy’s work is lovely and provocative and sweet (not in the sticky sense, in the honest to goodness love of poetry and empowered self-expression sense). I was fascinated by the challenge she gave herself to write and post one poem every day for a year. I wrote to her immediately and told her I was in love with her and asked if I could interview her for The Performance Lab.

She said, “Yes.” Here we go:

Can you give me the details – who, what, where, life-partner, kids, pets, garden, job?

Blogger and shopkeeper, Amy Turn Sharp, spends her days in Ohio wrangling little boys and being a creative wild one. You will be compelled to tell her things. Her grandmother is a soothsayer.  She always keeps a mask in her handbag for nights that get crazy. She grew up on acres and acres of woods. She has finished a novel that now sits in her pantry. She loves to be read to and can make a mean curry. She is finally calling herself a poet after years of other people calling her this. She is happy.

Can you tell me about writing your first poem? – how old you were, where you were, who you shared it with…

my first poems and stories were shared with Mary Frances- my gran. She would write them down as I paced the floor of her old house. In college I started really writing poems. I would share them with everyone. They were like currency. Kisses. I gave them out like lollipops.

It’s very brave to share your writing in such a public way. Did you have any reservations about sharing your poems on your blog? What made you decide to do this?

I am not very brave. I have lots of things that I  have not written about- a million things I hide away and have not put out there. I need to be brave. This. This is just life. It seems ok for me to share these poems.

When did you give yourself permission to call yourself a poet – did it just happen or was there a moment of choice? Or, is this still a process?

Just started. I am pleased to feel like a poet now. I have these glasses and I better just put them on and wear em.

Many creatives have a vision of what success or ‘making it’ as an artist means? Do you have a vision of this – or more than one? What does it look like for you?

I just want to make someone feel something. I want to make someone feel like they want to steal my book {if I ever have one} from a library because they are so desperate to own it. I know that sounds insane. But I once borrowed a book forever in college.  {Virginia Woolf}

Do you have a favorite poem from your writing? Why is it your favorite? Would you share it with us?

You can pick one – for sure! I would be honored!! I don’t have a favorite yet from the year- need to finish them all first xoxo

Thanks Amy! Here’s the poem Gillian posted on my wall:

What if you just shoved it all in storage lockers and ran across the world

big old runaway
pushing towards the sea
swaggering across continents
muddy feet on maps
and you always wore bandanas
and you always said yes
and money wasn’t real
you are a barter bandit
trading mad love
for biscuits
for whiskey
for hammocks
anything really

but all the money in the world
is stacked up against the bet
the odd odds
that there is someplace
you would like to turn up again
someplace you have not been
in years

you would stop running and
you would stroll on into this place
break the silence
say hello to someone
who recognizes you instantly
like a mirror in a discotheque
arms moving
laughs
like house music
and you study the mouth
teeth bite down on bottom lip
just for a split second
air leaves lung
lip reading moment

where have you been?

and of course you won’t have a good answer
we never do
when we break hearts

~ Amy Turn Sharp

What do you tell your children about writing and poetry?

I read my children poetry constantly. I read more poetry than children’s books. I tell them stories of epic poems and we write them together. I teach them that the world has a flavor. A smell. A touch. Every day I read my 5 year old son my daily poem and he laughs and laughs and sometimes gets very still and tells me what he thinks. My older son has no interest in it but my 5 year old is open and language is like his currency too. It is a special 4 minutes or so every single day.

Who was your favorite teacher? What did you learn from them that made a difference in your creative life?

my favorite teacher was my High school English + journalism teacher. She is now my friend as an adult but she introduced me to so much. The beat generation + feminism + the world. I grew up in a little cowtown. She made me want to go out in the big world. She also told me that I better follow my path or else. She said I was highly creative but that it could get me into to trouble.  She was a beacon to me.

What is your largest and most ambitious goal? How do you hold on to it or move towards it? Do you have a master plan? Have you ever thought about giving up on it – or given up on it? If yes, what did it take to get you going again?

I want to write. I want to live forever. I want an essay on NPR. I want a book of poems. A novel.  I want a lot. I WANT PEOPLE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH POETRY!

How do you stay healthy as a creative person?

I am trying to say NO more. Most people need to say YES more. I need to say no. I tire myself out a lot. I am the party girl. I am the connector. I am the person who makes things happen, but sometimes I need to retreat and go off the grid. I am planning one of those cycles very soon. MIA

How did you get started on the path of creating personal challenges like a poem a day for 2012?

I just dared myself.

What impact has the challenge had on your writing?

I just think in poems. I think like a poet now. How the world looks against me.

How do you juggle your creative life, your work life and your personal life? Do you have any issues with this at all? You are a writer and a mother, right? What is the relationship between those two roles? What about the relationship between the role of writer and the role of wife or life-partner?

I think artists are a bit off anyhoo. I think balance is bull and I just try and keep it all spinning. I do take time for my kids and my husband and I try to take time for my friends. Truth is I don’t take that much time for me. I don’t class doing art or writing as me time. I think it is work. It is obvious. Me time. I wish I had some of that. My kids know I am a bit odd and weird and I kinda like it. I am starting to accept it.

Can you tell me – whatever – about your writing practice – i.e. do you carry a notebook and write whenever you can, do you write at a certain time in a certain place every day, all of the above?

I just write when i can grab a moment or two. I do have a moleskin notebook with me most of the time. I do write things on receipts and on my hand. I do write in my mind all the time.

Do you believe in muses? What inspires you?

children and old people. love and sex and old taverns. laughter from women. old movies. dangerous grins.

What are you reading now?

obsessive amounts of wikipedia

 Note:

I wanted to interview Amy because even though she doesn’t consider what she is doing to be brave. I do. I want to know more brave creative women who are doing their thing and sharing it with the world. Women who are creating in the midst of life and in spite of the daily grind  - women who are committed to their creative voice who may have secret worlds and wonders hidden in their pantries. We are now accepting nominations …

This is very intriguing. Actors, I would love to hear your thoughts.

This is a process. An experiment. A game. It’s play, but it’s real. It’s about how to be the creator/author/maker of your life – deliberately and purposefully – without sacrificing the present moment. How to hold a vision of the future while living happily and effectively in the here and now.

First, I want to give credit to Mark Forster for teaching this process in his book, How to Make Your Dreams Come True. These ideas are his. I believe he is still offering How to Make Your Dreams Come True for free on his website: Get Everything Done. You can grab a copy here.

This practice isn’t about willpower, or S.M.A.R.T. goals, or fluffy bunny affirmations, or Law-of-attraction-without-action-miracle-wishing. This process is designed to help you:

• develop the frame of mind and the power of mind that will pull your goals towards you,
• keep you compassionately accountable to yourself,
• maintain natural (not forced) motivation and,
• help you enjoy the process of taking action in the here and now.

Before we go on, I also want to give credit to Eric Maisel. In the Creativity Coaching class I took with him in the fall, he pointed repeatedly to the benefits of developing a self-coaching practice. I read Forster’s book after taking Dr. Maisel’s class and the self-coaching process Mark demonstrates in his book found me in the right place and frame of mind at the right time. And it all clicked. I heard a little voice in my head say, “This is for you.”

Here we go.

Write a vision as if you are living it in the present. This is nothing new. You will encounter this exercise in almost every book you pick up on goal setting and life planning. It’s what you do with the vision after you have it written that matters.

Here’s an example:

My office is full of sunlight this morning. I have a full cup of coffee warming my hands while I look out the back window and watch the dog chase squirrels and bark at the birds. I’m thinking about my day and smiling.

There’s some work on my art table that I’m looking forward to getting back to this afternoon. Ideas and solutions were percolating in my brain while I slept and I woke up knowing what’s next for this piece. Which is nice because when I left the work yesterday, I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I’ve learned to trust the process and the benefit of working with fresh eyes and a fresh mind.

First thing on the agenda: writing and painting. The first two hours of the day are mine every day to do my creative work.

Next: two client calls. My favorite clients. Yay! Of course, I say that about everyone I work with. One is developing a one-woman show and we need to discuss the pros and cons of the venues she’s been scouting. And the other is working on setting up her website to promote her writing. Fun stuff. I love working with energized, visionary, creative people.

I have two actors coming over at 1:30 for some private coaching on their scene for class. These actors are taking no prisoners, let me tell you. They come full of ideas, they’re creative with their choices – they truly enjoy the creative process of telling the truth on stage. I love working with them.

Then – more writing. Some fiddling with Photoshop. Maybe a photography jaunt. Yeah, a photography jaunt sounds good. Oh, I also need to do a little prep for this week’s workshop.

And – then a quiet evening with husband and child. I think Warehouse 13 is on tonight. It’s our favorite show.

That’s it. I just made that up. I like it too. Notice what isn’t there.

No dates. I didn’t write, “It’s January 10, 2013 and here I am in my office thinking about my clients and students.”

No ‘shoulds’ or grandiosity. I didn’t write my acceptance speech for an Oscar. It’s a normal day. It’s brief. It’s simple.

No fear or justification. No battle. “I’ve worked hard for this moment and I deserve the success I have.”

The voice is peaceful. Enjoying a simple moment with a cup of coffee thinking about her day and watching the dog run around in the backyard. None of that, “Ha! Ha! I am victorious! I have conquered the world and made it my b…h!”

Keep it simple and write with a voice who is experiencing the feelings you want to feel in your life. I want peace, love, comfort, inspiration, collaboration, quiet – a natural creative flow to my work and my life.

Okay? Okay.

Next up – what to do with the vision. Which is the super important part.

But, that will have to be another post later this week. Sorry. I got drawn into my vision much more than I thought I would. I wasn’t thinking I would write my complete vision when I started this post, but there it is. I think it’s a keeper.

If you write yours, please share! You can leave it in the comments below – or send me an email.

Happy day to you! Stay tuned for Part Deux later in the week.

Personally, I find it difficult to refrain from thoughts that sound something like: “This year I’m going to finally lose that extra weight. This year I’m going to get my business in high gear. This is the year I’m gonna make it all happen!”

Yet, in my heart I know these thoughts aren’t real.

Wait. Okay, the thoughts are real. I AM thinking them so they’re ‘real’.

But I also know these thoughts are fantasies. I would even go so far as to call them self-indulgent fabrications full of hooey. They are something I say to myself to make myself feel better about not being all that I said I wanted to be in 2011.

But, here’s the kicker. 2011 was great. I had a good time. No, all my dreams didn’t come true. Yes, I’m still 30 pounds overweight. I didn’t get that book written. AND – still – 2011 was a great year.

Life happened. Stuff got done. Challenges were met. Shows were directed. Losses were felt. Grieving occurred. Laughter was heard. Healing happened – my mother got 2 brand-spanking-new knees! In review, 2011 will be remembered as a fine time.

My point is my resolutions usually feel like another way for me to beat myself up and focus on all the things that didn’t happen last year – again - instead of, as they are intended to be felt, like hopeful plan-making. They seduce me into thinking that I am doing something positive for myself when in fact I’m focusing on what I don’t have, where I messed up and what I want to fix while, at the same time, setting myself up to fail. That’s a double negative.

Please hear this next sentence: This is the way MY brain works. You may be completely free and innocent of setting yourself up in this manner. I’m thrilled for you and I mean that.

But, my inner critic, my inner mean girl, my gremlin is a seductive side-winder. She can twirl and twist my good intentions backwards and inside out. And, she is such a part of me, that I know better than to engage her in hand-to-hand combat. Instead it’s better for me to simply walk away.

So this is me walking away from resolution making. My plan for 2012 is to let myself completely off the hook.

I realize this will require some effort on my part. I’m not programmed this way. There is no ZEN in Kirsten. I’m full of plans and ambition. I can be competitive and needy and downright bitchy. My brain is a hamster-wheel of want.

But, this is me letting go.

Instead of thinking about what’s ‘on my plate’, I am thinking, instead, about what’s ‘on stage’.

What’s on stage now? I’m writing this. It’s my declaration of letting go. I, Kirsten Olson Malinee, hereby declare that I will not attempt to MAKE anything happen in 2012. I will not push boulders up mountains. I will not engage in battle with sneaky side-winders – a.k.a. inner critics and gremlins. I will not re-join Weight Watchers. I may or may not finally (if ever) get that business plan written. I am letting go. I am setting myself free.

Do you hear alarm bells ringing? I do. That’s my inner critic sounding off, “What the h-e-double-hockey-sticks are you talking about!?!”

My response, “I don’t know yet.”

I have NO IDEA what ‘letting go’ looks or feels like. I’ve been at this game of mental combat for so long, I’m not sure  what civvy life is.

For now, I’m just going to ask this question: What’s on stage?

The stage is where the action happens in the here and now. The stage is where I connect with the nitty-gritty of my humanity. If I try to fake it on stage, it will be glaringly obvious so – no fake tears or laughter. On stage I’ll have honesty, empathy, character, dialogue, conflict (internal and external – bring it!), action. Heroes, heroines, villians and everyman-woman. All those things one moment at a time.

I’m not talking about performy smarmy acty performances, over-exerted drama or faking it till you make it theatrics. Honesty, truth and action. Humanity. That’s my stage.

So…

What’s on stage now? I’m gearing up to teach an acting class. I’m not MAKING that happen. It is happening and I will be there when the time comes. Thinking, musing and dreaming about teaching fills me with energy and possibility. That’s a GO feeling.

What’s NOT on stage? Directing. Thinking about directing fills me with a ‘meh’ draggy dreadful feeling. That’s a NO GO feeling. Please understand my feelings about directing reflect in no way on past directing experiences. I love the memories and all the actors, casts, and crews I’ve worked with. But, for now, I’m just not feeling it. No go.

What’s on stage? Art making. Playing with paint and paper and glue. Exploring Photoshop Elements. Learning. Diving in. I’ve tumbled head-first into this rabbit hole and I’m not making plans for escape any time soon. If the Queen of Hearts (a.k.a. inner critic) shows up and tries to boss me around, I’m gonna bop her on the head and paint the roses whatever d-a-m-n color I desire.

What’s on stage? I’m playing with a visioning process. I know this is dangerously close to plan-making so I’m treading lightly here. Visioning will be based solely on what feels good. It will come from my heart center – not my head – not comparisons – not shoulds or ought tos. This is visioning from the heart.

Casting call: To help me hold this vision tenderly and gently I will engage in a dialogue with my inner self-coach as opposed to my inner critic.

Already there’s conflict on the stage! Inner critic vs. inner self-coach. And…action!

And, I’m making a promise to myself, that I will not play or tolerate mind tricks nor will I plot grand schemes to MAKE my vision happen. Remember, there will be no pushing of boulders up the sides of mountains! My vision will unfold as it will when it feels good and right to me and only in the present tense (not future, not past). Me, my vision, and I will play on stage in the here and now of my present reality.

What does that mean!?!

I have no idea. This is just the prologue. Act I is still in the dressing room applying her lipstick and rouge.

So – What’s on stage for you?